How are you feeling?

defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Death.....I hope you come one night soon when I am sleeping and take me away from this nightmare that I call my life. I'm tired of hurting, and I am tired of hurting those around me due to my inability to engage in life. I can't work or find work rather, I can't take care of myself, I can't get over my fear of getting behind the wheel, I can't engage with other people without feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T........enough is enough. At some point it needs to stop.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
Death.....I hope you come one night soon when I am sleeping and take me away from this nightmare that I call my life. I'm tired of hurting, and I am tired of hurting those around me due to my inability to engage in life. I can't work or find work rather, I can't take care of myself, I can't get over my fear of getting behind the wheel, I can't engage with other people without feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T........enough is enough. At some point it needs to stop.
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:sad: Can't even say anything that might make ye feel better. Cuz ah could've wrote yer post almost word for word. :crying:
 
S

Sarah_M

1
I feel angry at myself when I should feel accomplished. I don't have a driver's license due to a horrible fear of driving, but I want to remedy that so I have been driving every weekend. Today, I drove to and from my hiking spot which is kind of far away. There, I did a good job, but back (because there was more traffic) I panicked hardcore and started crying as I was turning because I was worried I couldn't stay in the lines. Also, switching lanes - I had to do it with a car in the lane I needed to get into and started freaking out because I didn't know if it was safe to go. I feel embarrassed and slightly hopeless :(
 
grapevine

grapevine

Well-known member
Always stressed and frustrated. Your partner is a reflection of you. I feel like an idiot for that. Ive never been in this situation before. I want to see the best in him and help him. But I cannot see a future in him. I want to run and avoid him and do my things that I never get to do. Things are never black and white and it takes alot of energy to find and resolve things and I just dont have that energy.
 
PugofCrydee

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
grapevine said:
Always stressed and frustrated. Your partner is a reflection of you. I feel like an idiot for that. Ive never been in this situation before. I want to see the best in him and help him. But I cannot see a future in him. I want to run and avoid him and do my things that I never get to do. Things are never black and white and it takes alot of energy to find and resolve things and I just dont have that energy.
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I left a relationship like that. Was the best thing I've done in the last few years I reckon.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
My life is nothing more than a failed experiment.
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Same here. Though, I've also felt my life's a mistake. Not say that to gain pity, I genuinely think that. That probably due to my life being quite hard and having struggle to meet the expecations of my family. Difficult growing up with people who are dysfunctional but, at the same time, expect so much of you.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Graeme1988 said:
Same here. Though, I've also felt my life's a mistake. Not say that to gain pity, I genuinely think that. That probably due to my life being quite hard and having struggle to meet the expecations of my family. Difficult growing up with people who are dysfunctional but, at the same time, expect so much of you.
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Graeme my friend I couldn't agree with you more because I feel the same way. My life is a mistake. I mean A BIG MISTAKE. As far as dysfunctional goes, the old man has been that way all my life. Now every now and then he does good things, but that doesn't cancel out all the verbal abuse and anger he throws my way. I am almost 100% that he is the reason that I am the way I am today.

As far as struggling with expectations, oh yeah...story of my life. In order to accomplish anything in life, you have to be willing to engage in life, but the fears and mental scars I have negate that possibility so how am I supposed to accomplish anything? How can I help anyone? Oh on a side note, the old man started yelling at me and calling me stupid because I couldn't find something he wanted me to. It was his fault because he can't communicate worth sh*t. I don't know man....I am hurting so bad. Maybe I should just give in to my suicidal thoughts. I mean hell as far as I am concerned, my suicidal thoughts are trying to save me because it knows that I am in pain and it wants to help me end it. I just hate myself for what I have become and I hate that old b@stard for what he has done to us and continues to do to us.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Quite pissed off at myself for not trusting my gut feeling, but that's me. I knew that coughing fit in the middle of the night wus'nae normal. Should've just went and took those paracetamol tablets. :eek:mg:
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
My test from last Sunday, the worst hasn't happened, I still have a job. Today was a good day, thinking more outwardly on opportunity.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
And the old mans tyranny continues:kickingmyself:. His verbal abuse and anger know no limits. He knows he has done nothing for us and my Mom has done everything and yet he treats her with disrespect and calls her names all the time. This makes her sad and it is crippling her mentally. If time travel was possible, I would go back and torture him as a child and I wouldn't feel guilty because I know who he really is. I really wish he would have died as a child. But no luck man no luck. Because of who he is and what he has done to me and to my Mom, I am now starting to understand that trying to have a life was pointless because it was stripped from me many many years ago by this verbally abusive monster. The indescribable anger I feel towards this man....words truly can't capture the hatred and rage I feel towards him. People like this should not exist. THEY SHOULD DIE IN A HORRIBLE OIL FIRE SO THEY CAN SUFFER BEFORE THEY DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. All of these events have caused me to feel pain in my chest so maybe that heart attack is closer than I thought it was and I'll pray that it just hits me out of nowhere so I can be done with this nightmare. My thoughts are just everywhere because there is just so much going on in my mind. Life is pain and death is freedom:crying:
 
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Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
And the old mans tyranny continues:kickingmyself:. His verbal abuse and anger know no limits. He knows he has done nothing for us and my Mom has done everything and yet he treats her with disrespect and calls her names all the time. This makes her sad and it is crippling her mentally. If time travel was possible, I would go back and torture him as a child and I wouldn't feel guilty because I know who he really is. I really wish he would have died as a child. But no luck man no luck. Because of who he is and what he has done to me and to my Mom, I am now starting to understand that trying to have a life was pointless because it was stripped from me many many years ago by this verbally abusive monster. The indescribable anger I feel towards this man....words truly can't capture the hatred and rage I feel towards him. People like this should not exist. THEY SHOULD DIE IN A HORRIBLE OIL FIRE SO THEY CAN SUFFER BEFORE THEY DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. All of these events have caused me to feel pain in my chest so maybe that heart attack is closer than I thought it was and I'll pray that it just hits me out of nowhere so I can be done with this nightmare. My thoughts are just everywhere because there is just so much going on in my mind. Life is pain and death is freedom:crying:
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That sure puts my mum's controlling nature in perspective. :sad:

How tha f**k d'you put up with yer dad? What a c*nt! If ye don't mind me saying? I mean, if he's truly nothing, why keep him in yer life? Sorry, I don't mean to throw question after question at ye. It just I went through similar with my own father constantly putting me down, making me feel like shit.
But my mum did it as well, and continues to do so.

Neither you or yer mum deserve to suffer as you currently are. ::(:

Sorry, it's just gets to me knowing that someone else had an equally abusive @rsehole for a father.
 
AtTheGates

AtTheGates

Banned
i kind of miss the days of being in my early 20s, not having a job ,and being a hippy. I forgot how much I miss having long hair until today I was walking through the grocery store parking lot and the wind blew really hard and I wished I had long hair to blow in the wind like i used to. somewhat like tarzan : p



being a corrections officer is definitely interesting /entertaining but i also feel like many aspects of the job are completly against my nature as a person. ..but I plan to do it for at LEAST a total of 12 months so it can be somewhat of a stepping stone to a better career.

I used to HATE school but now I can't help but think what a relief its going to be to just have to go to class and LEARN instead of go to a prison to WORK a 12 hour shift.....this job has seriously given me some perspective and made me appreciate certain things more. should I have already gone to college straight out of high school? iv realized that the answer is a resounding YES. although, technically I could go to college right NOW but I really want to give this job a full 12 months because ill gain more experience and it'll look better on a resume ...and also you have to have at LEAST 12 months as a corrections officer in order to apply to be a parole officer..along with a bachelors degree, which I plan to get....so thats defintely an option but id prefer to be a game warden..i just dont know what the job growth in that particular field is in this state.


or maybe ill choose a completly unrelated degree. a co-worker of mine has a 4 year criminal justice degree and he said he feels like its pretty much worthless.
 
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defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Graeme1988 said:
That sure puts my mum's controlling nature in perspective. :sad:

How tha f**k d'you put up with yer dad? What a c*nt! If ye don't mind me saying? I mean, if he's truly nothing, why keep him in yer life? Sorry, I don't mean to throw question after question at ye. It just I went through similar with my own father constantly putting me down, making me feel like shit.
But my mum did it as well, and continues to do so.

Neither you or yer mum deserve to suffer as you currently are. ::(:

Sorry, it's just gets to me knowing that someone else had an equally abusive @rsehole for a father.
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Graeme I wish I had an answer for you that was valid, but I will try my best. You see because my Mom has a wonderful heart and is caring and compassionate, she would feel guilty for separating from him because he can't take care of himself and he has a heart condition . I believe if they were to separate the shock would kill the old man. Knowing my Moms nature she would feel guilty about it and in the long run that would damage her mental state further. It is one of those super f*cked up situations where if you stay you get mentally scared but if you leave you might get a much worse mental scar because of her caring nature.

I promise you this. IF AND I MEAN IF I wasn't such a hopeless loser who depends on everyone for practically everything, I would have kicked him out of our lives many many years ago. I could have taken over the tasks he does and probably do it better than him since I am not a lazy f*ck like he is. Just talking about all of this is making me so upset I want to kill myself.

On a side note about 30 minutes ago I told him "listen I want to have a good relationship with you but it works both ways you have to do your part as well"......you know what he said?......he didn't word it like this but it was the equivalent of telling someone to "f*ck off." Yeah...I tell him I am trying my best to have a good relationship with you and he tells me to F off basically. Then a few minutes later he comes into the room and starts smiling and talking like we're buddies again. I don't want to get into any trouble for saying this as I don't know what the sites policies on religion are but, he is the reason why I stopped believing in a higher power many years ago. I told myself that there is no way a good person deserves to suffer at the hands of people like this. I am in a very dark place right now....darker than ever and I can't believe I am saying that because I didn't think it was possible that it could get any worse. I mean I wake up in the mornings I am practically shaking because I want to kill myself that bad. Look I know he could have been a lot worse. He could have been physically abusive or a drug addict, an alcoholic so I understand that there are people who have it worse than I do. But it still doesn't make my situation any easier acknowledging that because his verbal abuse has caused us pain. He is the dark cloud in our lives.

P.S. If you read all of this thank you because it is a bit much.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
Graeme I wish I had an answer for you that was valid, but I will try my best. You see because my Mom has a wonderful heart and is caring and compassionate, she would feel guilty for separating from him because he can't take care of himself and he has a heart condition . I believe if they were to separate the shock would kill the old man. Knowing my Moms nature she would feel guilty about it and in the long run that would damage her mental state further. It is one of those super f*cked up situations where if you stay you get mentally scared but if you leave you might get a much worse mental scar because of her caring nature.

I promise you this. IF AND I MEAN IF I wasn't such a hopeless loser who depends on everyone for practically everything, I would have kicked him out of our lives many many years ago. I could have taken over the tasks he does and probably do it better than him since I am not a lazy f*ck like he is. Just talking about all of this is making me so upset I want to kill myself.

On a side note about 30 minutes ago I told him "listen I want to have a good relationship with you but it works both ways you have to do your part as well"......you know what he said?......he didn't word it like this but it was the equivalent of telling someone to "f*ck off." Yeah...I tell him I am trying my best to have a good relationship with you and he tells me to F off basically. Then a few minutes later he comes into the room and starts smiling and talking like we're buddies again. I don't want to get into any trouble for saying this as I don't know what the sites policies on religion are but, he is the reason why I stopped believing in a higher power many years ago. I told myself that there is no way a good person deserves to suffer at the hands of people like this. I am in a very dark place right now....darker than ever and I can't believe I am saying that because I didn't think it was possible that it could get any worse. I mean I wake up in the mornings I am practically shaking because I want to kill myself that bad. Look I know he could have been a lot worse. He could have been physically abusive or a drug addict, an alcoholic so I understand that there are people who have it worse than I do. But it still doesn't make my situation any easier acknowledging that because his verbal abuse has caused us pain. He is the dark cloud in our lives.

P.S. If you read all of this thank you because it is a bit much.
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Oh, I see. I can definitely relate to the guilt. Since I desperately want a place of my own. Away from the arguments and constant negativity and cruel jokes at my expense. But, much like yourself, I wasn't really taught how to be independent and responsible for myself. Guess that's why I tend to put myself last, in terms of making sure I'm happy? :idontknow:

My mum's very much the dark cloud in my life, always saying negative things. Discouraging me from doing something for myself when I'm at an age when I should really be more responsibile for myself. Though I don't think she means to this way, deep down. I think it more a fear of not being need that she's not wanting to accept. Since I still feel stuck in the teenage phase of life. Not allowed to do much, always arguing with my family, feeling like no-one really empathise or understands my situation. Having to figure stuff out on my own, etc.

By the way, I hope ye don't feel I was having a go at you? Just trying to make sense of why you and yer mum put up with your dad's abusive behaviour, especially for so long. Also, him refusing to make an effort in having a better relationship with you - don't feel too guilty about that. Not saying you won't have moments where ye cry about it. Just remember, at the end of day: it's his loss, not yours. At least, that's what I told myself about my own father, who had a similar disinterest towards having a relationship with me.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Graeme1988 said:
Oh, I see. I can definitely relate to the guilt. Since I desperately want a place of my own. Away from the arguments and constant negativity and cruel jokes at my expense. But, much like yourself, I wasn't really taught how to be independent and responsible for myself. Guess that's why I tend to put myself last, in terms of making sure I'm happy? :idontknow:

My mum's very much the dark cloud in my life, always saying negative things. Discouraging me from doing something for myself when I'm at an age when I should really be more responsibile for myself. Though I don't think she means to this way, deep down. I think it more a fear of not being need that she's not wanting to accept. Since I still feel stuck in the teenage phase of life. Not allowed to do much, always arguing with my family, feeling like no-one really empathise or understands my situation. Having to figure stuff out on my own, etc.

By the way, I hope ye don't feel I was having a go at you? Just trying to make sense of why you and yer mum put up with your dad's abusive behaviour, especially for so long. Also, him refusing to make an effort in having a better relationship with you - don't feel too guilty about that. Not saying you won't have moments where ye cry about it. Just remember, at the end of day: it's his loss, not yours. At least, that's what I told myself about my own father, who had a similar disinterest towards having a relationship with me.
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No worries friend. No offense taken. I knew you weren't trying to be mean in anyway. Thanks for taking the time for reading my rambling. Appreciate it:thumbup:
 
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