How are you feeling?

defiance

Well-known member
Well.....I did it again. I managed to f*ck up again. I let my family down and I let myself down. I failed to get a good job. It took everything and I mean EVERYTHING I had in me just to apply for the job and then to go and take the test for it. I mean it was a horrible experience and I didn't feel better that I had done it...in fact I felt worse. Fast forward to today as I got the news for the job position. Well as I said I f*cked up even thought I gave it my all. This once again goes to show that I am a worthless piece of sh*t that doesn't have a place in this world. I deserve to die so my family won't have anymore failures to look forward to in the future.:crying:
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I'm using it as one, but no, Bocelli's not singing about doughnuts. :D



Thanks, Kiwong. Sugar's a tough one for me, I love the soft-drinks, ha ha.

It's gonna be tough, but I've done it before, the real trick will be not falling into my old habits once I'm all buff again. :D

There's the option of diet drinks with artificial sweeteners. Although they can be addictive.
 
Not too bad. But i'm still needing more "entertainment" to fill in the hours of each day. Still considering setting up my old PS2 (playing that will be sth to do; sth audio-visual-tactile & more mentally-engaging than passive tv). Also worth considering are computer games (for my desktop; i'll have to try to find some good freeware games; could also get into emulator games, tho a bit of hassle with them). Next time i go to town, i hope to buy a dart board; that'll be sth to kill the time for when i'm bored.
 

defiance

Well-known member
Good people die everyday that deserve a long and happy life. Yet a piece of sh*t like me gets to live. I mean how does that make any sense? I am in a state of utter regret. My whole life is one big regret and there is nothing I can do about it.
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
There's the option of diet drinks with artificial sweeteners. Although they can be addictive.

I gotta do something, I have a splitting headache right now and I think it's due to not having any Mountain Dew in my bloodstream for 48 hours.

I'm about to take some Tylenol peacedafuq.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
Not feelin' too groovy. I've been thinking about guns again lately, and I kinda stink. Trying to figure out how I can get some help for myself (and the house, and the car, and the buildings . . . ), how I can get some damn groceries and the place cleaned up and my wheels back on the road. I haven't seen a fresh vegetable in months. Do they still sell those things in stores? I have no idea. My new Facebook "friend" made candied maple-bacon brussels sprouts and wild mushroom ravioli for dinner tonight. Just the picture she posted has me all but drooling. I'll probably go to bed hungry again.

This bullshit isolation has to stop. I watched a one-reeler from 1942 this morning, The Woman in the House about a lady in Britain who didn't leave her home or see anyone for forty years, until the Germans bombed her house during the blitz. Anthropophobia, they called it. Fear of people. The picture was mostly homefront propaganda—service to your neighbors and your country being the cure and all—but it got me thinking: how long am I going to be stuck like this? How long can I last? What will they find of me in forty years when this dump finally crumbles to dust around me?

Something's gotta change. Probably me. But how? Sometimes I feel like my life came from Ikea. All the pieces ought to fit together, but I can't make any sense of the directions. I'd take it back for a refund, if only I'd kept the receipt.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Absolutely knackered.

sleepy-smiley.gif
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
A little anxious.

The people two doors down are having renovations done today, so every time I hear the hammer blows the reactionary part of my brain thinks it's someone beating down my front door.
 
A little anxious.

The people two doors down are having renovations done today, so every time I hear the hammer blows the reactionary part of my brain thinks it's someone beating down my front door.

Hehe, yep i'm the same. Often i have a hard time staying "stable" when noises are happening, esp if they last for hours. I tend to get myself all wound up. For sure, humans are the absolute noisiest creatures on earth!
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Always have this terrible insecurity gut in me because of my past traumas. And its really stupid too. I have BDD, I overcome it by avoiding photos - its a huge phobia for me to see my face mainly but any other part to. Im getting used to seeing photos of myself from behind that my partner takes. But these random photos like tonight he put on facebook and I told him off- told him to take it off. I truely hate it when he tells me that quote:
" really, really pretty girls are like peices of (swear) to me, so I think you are really beautiful.. "

- I mean I know ignorance. I can see he is coming from a good place - but cant he see that a comment like that is basically compairing me lookwise in a negative way. That with BDD I am going to be thinking about that..

I try to leave all of these things at the door- I dont open the pandora's box and torture myself as I know its all subjective etc. It jsut always gets to me - as the other night he was going on about his truama with this girl he thoguht was the best looking girl ever (told me that ages ago) and yet she stood him up and treated him like nothing. And so, I just see myself as with him - and his mind - like I have to be a less than in looks because thats safe - or something like that. Like I just want a boyfriend that would think that I am really pretty like that- not how he has put it. Its confusing.

I know this is an ego rant. So be it.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Always have this terrible insecurity gut in me because of my past traumas. And its really stupid too. I have BDD, I overcome it by avoiding photos - its a huge phobia for me to see my face mainly but any other part to. Im getting used to seeing photos of myself from behind that my partner takes. But these random photos like tonight he put on facebook and I told him off- told him to take it off. I truely hate it when he tells me that quote:
" really, really pretty girls are like peices of (swear) to me, so I think you are really beautiful.. "

- I mean I know ignorance. I can see he is coming from a good place - but cant he see that a comment like that is basically compairing me lookwise in a negative way. That with BDD I am going to be thinking about that..

I try to leave all of these things at the door- I dont open the pandora's box and torture myself as I know its all subjective etc. It jsut always gets to me - as the other night he was going on about his truama with this girl he thoguht was the best looking girl ever (told me that ages ago) and yet she stood him up and treated him like nothing. And so, I just see myself as with him - and his mind - like I have to be a less than in looks because thats safe - or something like that.

But, you shouldn't have to be less than in the looks department just because it's safer, or pleases someone else. Just saying, like. You should be as insecure about yerself. I know... BDD. I can relate, myself. I equally hate looking at photos of myself and am insecure as well. Given my freckled, bearded, brown face. Anyway, ye get my point, I hope?

Like I just want a boyfriend that would think that I am really pretty like that- not how he has put it. Its confusing.

Can't you leave the guy and find someone who'd treat you how you'd like to be treated? Just saying. if someone was making me feel insecure about myself to such a degree, I'd probably have stopped being around them as much.

Not saying you should, it's just - going by yer post here and from what you said in past rants on here - I get the impression that you're not happy being with this guy? No offence intended. I'm giving you my opinion based on what you've said.

I mean, that's f**ked up, if ye don't mind me saying? The whole putting other women down in order to compliment you. There's a better, more respectful way to phrase that compliment, without making you feel bad in process.

I know this is an ego rant. So be it.

Don't feel the need to justify ranting. That what this threads for, venting and talking about how ye feel. So, have at it. :thumbup:
 
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defiance

Well-known member
I can't take it anymore. I got chewed out again. I need to find a job and I am trying in my own way but I have been unemployed for a few years now. It's not easy when anxiety, fear, depression cripple you at every moment. I was blamed for some things that just hurt me so bad but I didn't show it as always. My mom is right to blame me for such things...but it hurt me so bad still. Then that idiot old man opens his mouth and makes a bad situation worse. I swear he only exists to cause chaos. I want to crawl to a corner and just cry my eyes out. I am such a miserable person. My best efforts aren't good enough and all they do is cause more trouble.:crying:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I can't take it anymore. I got chewed out again. I need to find a job and I am trying in my own way but I have been unemployed for a few years now. It's not easy when anxiety, fear, depression cripple you at every moment. I was blamed for some things that just hurt me so bad but I didn't show it as always. My mom is right to blame me for such things...but it hurt me so bad still. Then that idiot old man opens his mouth and makes a bad situation worse. I swear he only exists to cause chaos. I want to crawl to a corner and just cry my eyes out. I am such a miserable person. My best efforts aren't good enough and all they do is cause more trouble.:crying:

Damn! You sound just like me. Sorry, I'm unable to offer any reassure positive words myself. What with living in a similar situation - anxiety, depression, fear and being blamed for stuff.

I thought you said in a recent post here that yer dad was turning over a new leaf, or something to that affect? :question:
Didn't last, then, I take it?
 
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defiance

Well-known member
Damn! You sound just like me. Sorry, I'm unable to offer any reassure positive words myself. What with living in a similar situation - anxiety, depression, fear and being blamed for stuff.

I thought you said in a recent post here that yer dad was turning over a new leaf, or something to that affect? :question:
Didn't last, then, I take it?

No it didn't. He went back to being the person that I know and hate. Man I can't even begin to put into words how bad I want to kill myself. I'm not even joking when I say this that if I was alone right now...I'd attempt to hang myself. I am so over this MAN....:crying:. DEAR GOD WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER SO MUCH.......:kickingmyself:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
^ So, it was just temporary, huh? Aye, ah know how that is. Some o' my family are the same towards me. They promise to change, but never do. But then I'm pretty much used to folk disappointing me more than me disappointing them. That what I get for put others first all the time. :eek:h: :kickingmyself:

2 of my cousin have had an argument and fell out with each other. Really wish I could just get away from all this constantly fighting and lying. Ah remember when I used to joke that I wish I'd been adopted. Now I wish actually had. :sad: It's not great being the only one of yer immediate family who doesnae intention go outta their way to incite coflicts with people. Just keep to myself and try to be happy. And I'm currently failing miserably at the latter.
 
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defiance

Well-known member
^ So, it was just temporary, huh? Aye, ah know how that is. Some o' my family are the same towards me. They promise to change, but never do. But then I'm pretty much used to folk disappointing me more than me disappointing them. That what I get for put others first all the time. :eek:h: :kickingmyself:

2 of my cousin have had an argument and fell out with each other. Really wish I could just get away from all this constantly fighting and lying. Ah remember when I used to joke that I wish I'd been adopted. Now I wish actually had. :sad: It's not great being the only one of yer immediate family who doesnae intention go outta their way to incite coflicts with people. Just keep to myself and try to be happy. And I'm currently failing miserably at the latter.

Sorry you have to deal with this constant crap. In my case, although I got chewed out, I deserve it. I mean look at me. I am 31 and can't do anything to support myself or my family. I can't blame my mom for getting mad at me for this. The old man on the other hand is ok some of the times but when he loses his mind I mean it's just constant verbal fighting. It breaks my morale a lot but he's too stupid to understand what he is doing is harmful. Plus a sibling that is just like him but at times worse. I may be 31 but mentally, where it counts, I am maybe 10. I have no knowledge of how the world works and therefore I am destined to fail. I just want my pain to stop. I don't know about you but it scares me to think I might live too long and that everyday will be like this. I...I just don't know what to do anymore. This amount of suffering is just too much.:crying:
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
I'm feeling good.

I've stuck to my new health regimen pretty well, I got my air conditioner installed without killing myself, and I have a new pocket knife on the way.

Life's relatively good for Mr. Fairfax.
 
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