How are you feeling?

Sarah_M said:

I feel like I want to end my life, but I know I can't.

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Yeah...I know what you mean

There's a great Mexican restaurant down the street from me that has dollar tacos on Tuesday night.

Need I go on?

Cold, alone, in the dark. Does the world outside still exist? Does life still go on beyond the limits of this gray existence? Does anyone remember me? Will they notice when I'm gone?

dammit to hell -_- ...iv worked long enough at this new job that I have to start signing up for mandatory over-time (because we/re so understaffed) and because of the fact that I'm a "rookie" I apparently got last dibs on choosing which overtime days I was to work when I filled out the sheet today.

I was thinking this job is so great partly because we weren't working for more than 3 days at a time (sometimes only 2) and often we'd even get 3 day weekends ...well starting in april that sh!t is OVER...at that point ill be having 1 day weekends for the most part .

I really feel bad for some of the officers who are working there at like age 30-40..


on the bright side though, the inmates in dorm 3 refer to me as "robo cop" now for some reason...*shrug* ..I could think of WORSE names to be called, so I'm not exactly complaining.


idk, maybe i look like a robot or something? who knows

AtTheGates said:

on the bright side though, the inmates in dorm 3 refer to me as "robo cop" now for some reason...*shrug* ..I could think of WORSE names to be called, so I'm not exactly complaining.


idk, maybe i look like a robot or something? who knows

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Or maybe cause you're totally disaffected by their b*llshit? :question:

theslowesthand said:

Or maybe cause you're totally disaffected by their b*llshit? :question:

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hmm maybe. who knows !

"a man's attitude...a man's attitude goes SOME ways...the way his life will BE"

I want to be a hermit, and live simply near nature, with a menagerie of pets, and next to the wilds of nature.

I can do this.

I'm afraid of life and the people in it. This is something I cannot change. I have tried to change this but today I make my peace with this fact. Also I am slowly starting to accept that I will never be happy and that I will always be a burden to those around me who expect more from me. The acceptance of those things is what drives me to want to end my misery of an existence. Will I ever be free of this nightmare? Will I one day find peace and manage to have a life worth living? As bad as my own suffering is, I find it ten times worse that your shortcomings affect your loved ones in such a negative way that you almost drag them down with you. That is cancer for the soul right there. It eats away at me and I can never forgive myself for doing that to them.

I am feeling somewhat confused and frustrated. I have had many years of psychotherapy without having derived any benefit from it, to my knowledge. I read online about how one is supposed to apply what one learns in therapy to one's life, but then I am just left wondering how one is supposed to learn anything in therapy. It's like saying "Apply what you have learned by staring at the wall to your life." It seems I am supposed to do something in therapy, but it's not terribly obvious what that something is. One is told that one is supposed to raise concerns with one's therapist, so I asked him "What am I supposed to do in therapy?" He said "Just talk." Well, I have been doing that for years.

But in my recent session, my attention was drawn to something which, while I am sure I already knew it, is not something I think about as often as I might. My attention was drawn to the fact that it came as a shock to me that so many professionals think I am cognitively disintegrated, a mind destroyed. I grew up knowing that my father believed this, since he was constantly rubbing my face in it. But I always considered him to be an idiot. I was confident that well educated people would not agree with him. It came as quite a blow to learn that professional after professional after professional agreed with him quite firmly. I really can't get over the shock of this.

This is not news, but the last session did draw my attention to this fact. Perhaps in some sense I "learned" it. But now I am left wondering how to apply this to my life.

defiance said:

I'm afraid of life and the people in it. This is something I cannot change. I have tried to change this but today I make my peace with this fact. Also I am slowly starting to accept that I will never be happy and that I will always be a burden to those around me who expect more from me. The acceptance of those things is what drives me to want to end my misery of an existence. Will I ever be free of this nightmare? Will I one day find peace and manage to have a life worth living? As bad as my own suffering is, I find it ten times worse that your shortcomings affect your loved ones in such a negative way that you almost drag them down with you. That is cancer for the soul right there. It eats away at me and I can never forgive myself for doing that to them.

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If as you say your life is a nightmare, then it is also a bad dream & a dream ... or in other words an illusion. It's not your true life. You are not seeing it in the right way, or the truthful way.
I'm sick of the illusion, and can't wait for it to dissolve. How it dissolves, whether by spirituality, death, or otherwise, i don't really care, as long as it ends, preferably in the not too distant future.

Feeling kinda almost depressed
Supposedly that means i need deep rest
I shall try my very best

feeling extremely tired


..and I look like I just climbed out of coffin.

I've been really tired myself lately, meaning that I've been sleeping more hours a day than I've been awake. I hope to snap out of it soon.

Desperately need a release for all this bottled up anger and frustration.

Also just wondering why I bother even anymore. Naebuddy really care about me, anyway. Or they like to say they do, but their words and actions towards me suggest otherwise. Don't see much point in expecting these around me to show the same courtesy as I do them. Nah! The women in my family seem to believe they're exempt from being civil and respectful - because feminsm, men... Some b@llocks about being oppressed, etc.

Apparently, it's fine to treat me like shit, even to the point where they act like I don't even exist. :sad: Might be better if I didn't? :idontknow:
Always making BS excuses for why they never do what I've asked of them, which isn't usually much, but still too much. They forgot, huh? Does that mean I'm instantly forgettable? :question: Sure as f**k seems like it.

But, hey I'm used to be the one who is burdened with doing the things I ask of others, myself. Can't exactly rely upon those around me to be of any help. :veryangry: What crap existence it is, as a disabled people when you've asked someone to assist you and they refuse to do so when asked; but insist upon helping when you've not even asked for it. Which really pisses me off.

14 f**kin' years of being lied to and messed about by the very folk who expect me to trust 'em. Aye right... :thumbdown: :kickingmyself:

theslowesthand said:

If as you say your life is a nightmare, then it is also a bad dream & a dream ... or in other words an illusion. It's not your true life. You are not seeing it in the right way, or the truthful way.
I'm sick of the illusion, and can't wait for it to dissolve. How it dissolves, whether by spirituality, death, or otherwise, i don't really care, as long as it ends, preferably in the not too distant future.

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It's amazing isn't it. These demons create a perception which then creates our own subjective reality of the world and how we are capable of interacting with it. That old saying is true that perception is reality. I'm with you when you say that you want it to end and you don't care how it ends because that is how I feel as well. Death might be at the top of my list though just because of how sick I am of all this bs. But hey time will tell man....time will tell.

worn out. there was another attack today on an Aryan Brotherhood gang member ....the black gang members are picking those guys off one by one because they're an openly racist white gang. id feel bad for them...but....they're a bunch of nazis so my empathy levels towards them are waning : /


and on top of THAT, a particular high ranking aryan brotherhood member in the dorm I work in pretty much REFUSES to follow even the simplest directives I give him and he's a complete d!ck about it....some of these gang members are like that though but he's one of the worst so far....they think that because they're affiliated with a gang that they can do whatever they want in the prison.

AtTheGates said:

worn out. there was another attack today on an Arayan Brotherhood game member ....the black gang members are picking those guys off one by one because they're an openly racist white gang. id feel bad for them...but....they're a bunch of nazis so my empathy levels towards them are waning : /


and on top of THAT, a particular high ranking arayan brotherhood member in the dorm I work in pretty much REFUSES to follow even the simplest directives I give him and he's a complete d!ck about it....some of these gang members are like that though but he's one of the worst so far....they think that because they're affiliated with a gang that they can do whatever they want in the prison.

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That's great that they are taking those guys out!
Like what they do to child-rapists in prison.
Justice at it's most elemental form. :applause:

Doogle said:

Basically what you're doing is congratulating murder. That makes you a bad person and I'd rank any of those "white-supremacists" higher than you.

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lol. whoa! its definitely not murder. not even CLOSE. they just beat on each other quite a bit. they knew what they were getting themselves into when they joined a criminal organization. iv come to terms with the fact that thats just want these gangs do. They sell drugs and fight each other..we can't always stop them.

...although, I dislike the aryan brotherhood more than pretty much all the other gangs because of what they stand for..



..and be nice to Molly! :bigsmile: