How are you feeling?

[defiance]

I fking hate people. They are just pieces of sh!t.

I don't just hear those words I feel them. How I wish I could get away from it all. :kickingmyself:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Depressed. How else would I feel?

 

[MollyBeGood]

feelings.

Who needs them?

 

[Graeme1988]

Numb is probably the way to sum up my mood, lately. Must be nice to be treated like you matter. Me, I'm made to feel that I'm wrong no matter what I say or do. :sad: So, by way of learnt behaviour, I'm become a hermit. For better or worse...

Don't really know how I feel. Anger and frustration seem to quite frequent. Mainly because I'm tired of trying to fufil a role which I'm not capable of doing. Tired of having to put in more effort just to function on a daily basis to the point physical and mental burnout, only to be accused of being lazy. :kickingmyself:

Tired of having the burden of responsibility always on my shoulders. Tired of being told I only care about myself, and that I'm self. A claim I have difficulty finding any truth in, given how miserable I am. And how much time I spend doing things that will make those around me happy. :idontknow:

 

[Psychedelicious]

thb4yh4te

Impatient. Want some lettuce.

 

[defiance]

I feel as if my inner self forgot that overtime it was supposed to mature but it never did. A child cannot survive alone in a complicated world. Yet that is what I am forced to do because I feel I am still a child in an adult body.

 

[theslowesthand]

Feeling okay. Listening to stoner/psychedelic metal music, and drinking beer. It's the closest i can get to being high, without drugs, as i don't do them. Might investigate some of the old-school psychedelic albums of Cream in a bit.

 

[Kiwong]

So I headed into another week of work. Fearing I will be made redundant or someone will complain that me and my anxiety is not acceptable. Completely lost in fear and despair.

The test for this week.

1) Will I be made redundant?
2) Will someone complain about me?
3) If these things do happen can I go on and survive?

Perhaps I will report back next Sunday to see if my fears are realised.

 

[MollyBeGood]

yeah new season of Fargo has started

 

[defiance]

The things that have transpired the last 3 days. So much agony and despair. So much sadness. How have I not killed myself yet? Seriously how? I crave death at this point because even if there is nothing after this life it is still an upgrade from being mentally tormented EVERYDAY OF EVERY SECOND. All I can muster up to say is this. I am somewhat responsible for my moms health issues. How? Well the stress she is enduring because of my shortcomings are harming her. She is also pretty sad these days and I know I am the fu*ker responsible for it. Me not being able to live up to what someone my age should do, is causing her stress and therefore causing her a lot of sadness and physical harm. I HATE MYSELF. I F**KING HATE MYSELF. I AM THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD FOR DOING THIS TO SUCH A SWEET AND CARING MOTHER. MY GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP..........PLEASE MAKE IT STOP I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE:crying::crying::crying:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

It feels very dark inside me today,
Like shadows and emptiness and fear.
It sounds like Death is calling me,
As though the end were near.

 

[AtTheGates]

I feel like I have a certain amount of zen and the more i spend time getting involved with other people , the more it becomes damaged....that probably sounds weird....but i just want to be around people I can vibe with....either THAT or no one at ALL.

 

[theslowesthand]

I've got nothing to whine about today, but nothing to smile about neither .. perhaps i should whine about that? :idontknow:
But it's been a nice, quiet, sunny day today .. i live out in the countryside .. perhaps i should smile about that? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

I've got nothing to whine about today, but nothing to smile about neither .. perhaps i should whine about that? :idontknow:
But it's been a nice, quiet, sunny day today .. i live out in the countryside .. perhaps i should smile about that? :idontknow:

I live in a fairly rural area as well, peaceful. But it's quite boring as far as places to go and hangout.

 

[defiance]

I just realized that I spent about 4 hours a few days ago thinking of nothing other than a bullet going through my brain and my pain ending once and for all. I couldn't focus on anything else. I tried to get my mind off of such thoughts but I failed. Nothing makes me happy anymore and nothing gives me purpose. I just exist for the sake of existing. I just don't know man...I just don't know what to do............I don't think anyone or anything can help me anymore.

 

[Graeme1988]

:idontknow: I feel like I'm done. Nothing left to offer, not that I had much to begin with. :sad: I'm just a failure, screw-up, black sheep. Nothing special. Strong on the outside, but a weakling internally.

Just tried to engage my mum in a simple conversation - failed. She didn't even want to acknowledge that I'm miserable being stuck in the house all the time. But I'm not allowed to leave, not unless my oldest sister accompanies me. Otherwise my mum starts getting paranoid something will happen to me.

Because oh whatever would she do without me? Even though, all she does when I'm around is complain and make excuse for being lazy. Stuck in this miserable co-dependency, where I'm always second-guessing everything I say and do because me doing what I want is seen as selfish. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Nothing makes me happy anymore and nothing gives me purpose. I just exist for the sake of existing.

Nothing really makes me happy anymore, either. Even playing and attempting to make music has lost that escapism and joy for me. Despite the fact, I could desperately use something getting away from things at the moment. Though, once self-doubt creeps into anything ye try to do creative it and you usually suffers. As for existing just for the sake of it - story of ma life. Pretty much. :sad:

 

[defiance]

Either numb or utter and dreadful pain. So by default numb is my new happy I guess.

 

[Marc7]

Oh, sorry. Yeah, but it's still difficult for me not to blame myself for my cousin suddenly not talking to me. Since he never explained why he just cut me outta his life. So, ah cannae help wondering if I did summit to piss him off to the point of not wanting to speak to me.

Was he anxious? Because that could be reason if he doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore.

Well, I did a few years ago after my sister made a cruel, racist joke at the expense of my appearance after getting my photo taken. Though, I was too pissed off to say anything immediately. Since we were in public. And my mum sided with my oldest sister over me, when I asked how her (my sister's) joke was considered appropriate by them.

Why don't you try saying that to them again?

As I said it was an awkward topic to discuss, I'm guessing it was because my mum had made my dad out to be this abusive, intimidating guy. Like to the point where that was my only impression of him. And my half-siblings on my mum's side o' the family didnae exactly have many good things to say about my dad when I was growing up.

So your dad knew the things your mother told you about him? I'm confused.

Why? I don't really know. :idontknow: I've always put it down to them not wanting me to think and do things for myself. They're quite controlling, over-protective and manipulative towards me.

Yea that's probably the reason.

Well, both side o' ma family are pretty active on Facebook & Twitter. But I can't say if any of them are friends on there, not being as active on there, myself. Wouldnae want to chance my luck, either way.

So your saying would not like to take the chance right? Btw I sent you a message on chat message idk if you got it?

 

[Graeme1988]

Was he anxious? Because that could be reason if he doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore.

Wouldn't know. The day after my 16th birthday my cousin just stopped speaking to me. Never returned either mine or my mum's phone calls when trying get in touch with him.

Why don't you try saying that to them again?

I don't see the point mentioning it. Since my mum and sisters won't see it from my perspective. They seem to find it difficult to empathise with my situation because of my disability. I've just accepted the fact that I'm always having to apologise when I've done nothing wrong. And have to take pity on my mum and sisters because they're incapable of taking responsibility for their words and actions. It's easier to blame someone else for yer problems, than accept your part in creating them.

And it just so happens they blame me. The one person they say they could live without, and think so highly of. And yet treat me like crap, boss me around and what not.

So your dad knew the things your mother told you about him? I'm confused.

Oh yeah, he knew alright. A few years before I cut contact with him, my dad somewhat jokingly threatened me because I never gave into to his demands to come visit his side of the family. He says this as he gets up from the couch to leave. In response I sarcastically went: "Is how you usually get yer way? If so, ye could be bit a nicer. Anyway, I'll think about it and let ya know".

Never did visit. Mainly because my dad's side of the family were proper middle-class, educated. Whereas the side I was raised by - predominately working-class. Not particularly well educated, going by the admissions of my mum and a couple of cousins. I mean, I'm the one who always touted as the "smart one" in my immediate family.

So your saying would not like to take the chance right?

Pretty much. And I don't want to have justify my reasons for doing it, before and after - were I to apply for dual citizenship. It's just... Well, after awhile, ye get tired of having to justify your reasons for doing something that will only affect you at the end of the day.

Btw I sent you a message on chat message idk if you got it?

Can't tell you if I did or not. But once I'm logged back into this site via my laptop, I'll be able to tell you if I got your chat message. :thumbup:

Sent from Samsung Galaxy Tab S2