Miserum
Well-known member
One of the reasons I don't like going out into public or socializing much is because I feel like I will be mocked or seen as incompetent.
But I have to go out in order to live, so I do. When I go out, I am so focused on people observing me and expecting me to **** up at every turn, that I lose concentration of the task I'm doing and turn my attention to them, almost without realizing it.
For example, I can parallel park like an expert, but if I feel I'm being watched or judged, I completely **** it up. I will attempt to park, but my attention will be divided between the task and the people around me, so that ultimately I cannot park as efficiently as if I had been concentrating on just the parking.
Or for example, I'll be buying movie tickets from an electronic ticket kiosk, and my friend will be talking to me about <insert subject here>, and my attention will drift toward what he's saying, rather than prioritizing what's actually important: getting the tickets. So I'll end up pressing the wrong button or something, and have to restart the purchase. And it's ****ing embarrassing to have to deal with this time after time. Eventually people see you as incompetent.
I've noticed that I am susceptible to this, that I listen to my SA too much, and have been amending my behavior to focus on what's practical(task at hand), rather than on what my SA is telling me is important(people observing or talking to me).
My armchair psychology tells me that this train of subconscious thought is a result of A) Growing up with an overly critical father and stepmother B) Spending the majority of my time with a (biological)mother who is unsure of herself, and through who I've probably unconsciously mimicked this train of thought and C) Growing up in the dog-eat-dog crucible of young men trying to outdo each other--in high school and college--and failing in that respect.
Essentially this boils down to: stop expecting people to be critical of what I'm doing, don't be distracted by them, and focus solely on the task at hand.
But I have to go out in order to live, so I do. When I go out, I am so focused on people observing me and expecting me to **** up at every turn, that I lose concentration of the task I'm doing and turn my attention to them, almost without realizing it.
For example, I can parallel park like an expert, but if I feel I'm being watched or judged, I completely **** it up. I will attempt to park, but my attention will be divided between the task and the people around me, so that ultimately I cannot park as efficiently as if I had been concentrating on just the parking.
Or for example, I'll be buying movie tickets from an electronic ticket kiosk, and my friend will be talking to me about <insert subject here>, and my attention will drift toward what he's saying, rather than prioritizing what's actually important: getting the tickets. So I'll end up pressing the wrong button or something, and have to restart the purchase. And it's ****ing embarrassing to have to deal with this time after time. Eventually people see you as incompetent.
I've noticed that I am susceptible to this, that I listen to my SA too much, and have been amending my behavior to focus on what's practical(task at hand), rather than on what my SA is telling me is important(people observing or talking to me).
My armchair psychology tells me that this train of subconscious thought is a result of A) Growing up with an overly critical father and stepmother B) Spending the majority of my time with a (biological)mother who is unsure of herself, and through who I've probably unconsciously mimicked this train of thought and C) Growing up in the dog-eat-dog crucible of young men trying to outdo each other--in high school and college--and failing in that respect.
Essentially this boils down to: stop expecting people to be critical of what I'm doing, don't be distracted by them, and focus solely on the task at hand.
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