Jonathanhh
Active member
Does anyone have any advice for this? Literally everyone I've asked so far have said the same thing: "There are plenty of more women in the world." For me, I feel like that isn't valid. Since I'm sure the majority of you reading this have some type of hyperhidrosis, how have relationships been for you?
I'm only 18, and have only had the courage to ask out a few women. My first relationship was last year. I had always been so shy, nervous when it came to being next to a girl. I didn't want them to see my abnormal characteristics accompanied by hypherhidrosis. That relationship lasted about 5 months, it was an online one. We had planned to meet since she was about 5 hours away, but it never came to be.
I was torn after being dumped then. I couldn't get her out of my mind, kept thinking about her, crying about her. It took me 6 months just to even be happy again. I would come home from school, and cry myself to sleep, only to be awake all night.
Then, luckily, I had the courage to message some girl that seemed so sweet based on her posts. I complimented her, saying how pretty she was, how contagious her smile was, just how happy she seemed to be. We hit it off. She said she was having a bad week, and had been bedsick. She told me my message meant so much to her, that she loved it. She lived about 3 hours away, although originally from my city. We had talked for about 2 days, literally messaging each other 24/7. So when the weekend approached, she had told me she is coming to my city to visit her grandma, but that we could hang out. I was terrified at first, thinking what will she say if she feels my hands, or seems how much of a mess I am. I wanted to make an excuse, but her personality seemed so sweet. I told her that day about hyperhidrosis, how it has tormented me, had people make fun of me for it, etc. She was so understanding. Said not to worry, and that she would love to hold my hand. It made me so happy knowing someone didn't care, was so willingly accepting.
Pretty much we talked for about 2 weeks, practically dating, but then I had the courage to ask her out. She said yes, and from then, we really took it off. She would want to video chat me 24/7, she said it would help her sleep, it would her help do her homework, everything. Her mom would get upset at that, saying she had no privacy as she would take me everywhere. Occasionally she would come visit, about every 2 weeks, the latest a month. This continued day, after day, until this August. Her mom was having some trouble financially, and opted to move in with her grandma, who is in my city. She was now 20 mins away, and we pretty much did the same. Would hang out whenever she was free, video chat when she had to study/homework, although she couldn't sleep on call with me as she slept with her mom.
Everything seemed so well, until around August 30th. She said I had been too controlling, hurtful, etc. We were going through a rough stretch, basically having arguments every couple days. They never seemed too big, as everything would seem okay after 30 mins. I would always ask her if she was okay, and she would say yes. But no, she told me when she broke up with me that the arguments were piling up, it was hurting her. I would just apologize after an argument, and apologize that night incase. She would always tell me don't bring it up, so I would just think she's fine, I shouldn't concern myself about it. I told her that day that I was sorry, I didn't know it was to this point in the relationship, she never seemed to be upset; always happy just talking to me, being with me. I had told her I can't do this again, it was so painful, even more painful this time than the past relationship because she was perfect. I had been able to spend time with her in person to know she actually loved me. Foolish of me, everything coming so soon, I had said I would die from this. Basically a few days later, she said that I was the best boyfriend she's ever had, and that excluding the past month of arguing, I was amazing to her. So she said she didn't want to be older, regretting not giving me another chance.
So being more cautious, I would carefully watch what I would say. Never trying to upset her; trying to change for her. Everything seemed great, basically like when just met, but then a few arguments came. Not from my end, but she seemed to get sassy lately. That Sunday, she witnessed her sister attempting suicide by hanging, so I knew what she was going through. I had stayed up all night with her for countless nights, not studying a bit for one of the most important dates in my semester at college. I had a lab practical, and lecture exam on the same day for a class; 15% of my total grade reliant on on day. We had gotten in a minor argument though that Tuesday, she had met some friends in school, and had been texting them all day while we were video chatting. I had not been used to that, so I did say like you could at least finish your sentence before texting... She seemed upset, and said well I'm sorry for finding good friends, and you not being happy about that. So I apologized saying I didn't mean it in any way, it just ticked me off, seemed rude to stop mid-sentence to text someone. She had said it was okay, that she was sorry for being a ****, that she would be upset if I had done the same. That Tuesday night she seemed so happy with me, she sent me wedding pictures, smiling every time she sent one, saying that would be us. So came along Wednesday, she told me earlier in the day that she was writing assignments she's missing. I told her send me a picture, so that I can remind you to do it (she likes to watch videos on YT/Fb for countless hours) so I figured to remind her then. I wanted her to catch up so that she wouldn't stress with school & her sister's situation. She said no, I'm doing my hw. You don't need the picture, I don't need you to remind me. So I kind of took that the wrong way, and became to be more pursuant in getting the pictures. I said look, your phone is there, you were literally just texting your friends, and I didn't say this, but I wanted to; "how can you sit there and complain about doing your hw & you're texting..." I kept my mouth shut, but later said look, it takes 5 seconds, I just want to help you. She seemed so mad. She angrily took the picture. Then she wouldn't look at me, nor say a word. I asked her if she was mad, and she said no. I knew she was, she had a low tone, and wouldn't look at me. I muted my mic to not tick her off even more, and I unmuted it after 30 mins, asking her if she's feeling any better and wanted to talk. She said yes, but she still seemed mad. I waited another 30 mins, then the same scenario. I told her, look how can you expect me to tell you how I honestly feel, if you can't do it. You're obviously upset, and I just want to make sure I don't make the same mistake as last time and throw it off like it's nothing. I told her I'm worried that you will break up with me if you don't tell me how you really feel every time, I just want honesty so that I can be supportive. She broke down, saying she felt bad and didn't want me to have the fear of her breaking up with me. She, again, said sorry for being a ****. She said she needed to go on a walk so that she could feel better. She said she would video chat me when she came back. I waited about an hour, then saw she went active on Fb, so I tried calling her. No answer. I got worried, and quickly drove to her house. Her grandma told me she just went on a walk, so I went and ran to find her. I had looked for an hour, but never saw her. I came back to her house & saw her near the car. She saw me soaking in sweat, I had ran for an hour to find her. She immediately asked if I was okay, and I said yes, I just wanted to make sure you were. You logged on Fb and didn't answer my call, I was worried. She said she thought she messaged me back, but I never got anything. I was like look, I love you, I'm willing to do anything, whether that means come incase something was wrong, or give a kidney to you. So everything seemed okay, she told me she loved me, and willingly gave me kisses. I asked her if I should worry about her breaking up with me after that, and she said no. I kept asking to make sure, but she kept saying no. She did however said to give her a day, she needed some alone time. I waited until Thursday afternoon. She had said I could call her around 6pm, so I did. She had that low tone again when she picked up, she had told me she's been on a 2 hour walk, thinking about things. I just sat there and asked her the general, how did she sleep, how was her day, did she have any plans, etc. She answered, but still had that tone. She then insisted we video chat, that she had something to tell me. I became worried. My heart froze. So I video chatted her, then she just said, I don't think it's working out. That she's going through a lot, etc. I told her wait a minute, don't do this, let me come over and talk it through. So she agreed. I came and we walked, and she basically told me it in my face now. I broke down. I couldn't handle it. Just that Tuesday, she had sent wedding pictures, she seemed so happy. I said what is it then? I know you're going through a lot with your sister, and I have been supportive, if you need time until that resolves itself, then let's take a break and come back later. She said no, we're done, forever. It hit me so much harder. Foolish of me, again, I told her I couldn't live without her. That I would die. She said sorry, have a wonderful life, and goodbye. She walked away from me kneeling on the ground. I got so mad, and said, "I hope you visit me on my funeral." She deleted me practically from every social media. I messaged her later that night, about how sorry I was about saying that death thing, and that I didn't mean it - it just came so unexpectedly and hit me so hard. I thanked her for everything, everything she opened my eyes to. She replied saying "Thank you, Jonathan, I'm glad I opened you up to many experiences." I noticed she never deleted my mom, and sister on Fb. She doesn't have many friends, about 30 on Fb, so I was like why does she still have them added... It gave me hope, so I went through Friday like a mess in school. I cried during my entire lecture, and couldn't go to tutoring. I messaged her Saturday morning, asking her the real reason she left me. She never answered. So I called her, and I asked the usually things. How she was, how her sister was, etc. Then I said could you meet me at the park? I want to talk things out. She agreed, so I went there immediately. We talked, she said I relied too much on her to be happy. She said I wasn't happy with her. To look at me, crying on the floor, begging her to come back. I told her I can't just let go of the past 6 months, that it was the best in my life, and because I love you so much. I never really had friends due to hyperhidrosis, so that's what she meant by I relied on her for happiness. That my negativity was rubbing off on her. I always would tell her I'm not perfect; told her my sad stories of people in a church, in school, etc making fun of me for my hyperhidrosis. It scarred me.
(I didn't say this, but we were both in the darkness when we met. We relied on each other to be happy. She had a miserable childhood, her dad who was in the marines killed himself when she was 7, she was raped a few times, and blackmailed. She told me she felt so safe with me, and in return, I felt so happy with her - being able to help her.)
I had messaged some friends that Friday night, and told my parents I need to get therapy to help me with this. So I told her that there, that I can change; I am willing to change. That I am going to start hanging out with friends, go to therapy to make me feel happy about myself. She just said no, that I'm the best boyfriend she's had, but that she has to let me go. So I begged her, holding on to her, telling her I would do anything for another chance. To show her I love her; to spoil her with love. She became angry, saying move on, let it go, and that if I kept holding onto her that she would tell her mom to call the police. I stopped then. Fortunately - I didn't mention anything about suicide this time.
And now we're here, on Sunday. I haven't slept but 10 hours since Thursday. Have only ate 3 times. Have cried my soul out. She still has my mom, sister added, so a part of me feels like she'll come back, but then I feel like I messed up too big. I feel horrible, scared I will never find anyone as great as her. I keep thinking, remembering that scene, thinking what if I had stayed silent. Would she still be with me?
Is there any advice you would give me? Do you think I am to blame for everything?
I'm only 18, and have only had the courage to ask out a few women. My first relationship was last year. I had always been so shy, nervous when it came to being next to a girl. I didn't want them to see my abnormal characteristics accompanied by hypherhidrosis. That relationship lasted about 5 months, it was an online one. We had planned to meet since she was about 5 hours away, but it never came to be.
I was torn after being dumped then. I couldn't get her out of my mind, kept thinking about her, crying about her. It took me 6 months just to even be happy again. I would come home from school, and cry myself to sleep, only to be awake all night.
Then, luckily, I had the courage to message some girl that seemed so sweet based on her posts. I complimented her, saying how pretty she was, how contagious her smile was, just how happy she seemed to be. We hit it off. She said she was having a bad week, and had been bedsick. She told me my message meant so much to her, that she loved it. She lived about 3 hours away, although originally from my city. We had talked for about 2 days, literally messaging each other 24/7. So when the weekend approached, she had told me she is coming to my city to visit her grandma, but that we could hang out. I was terrified at first, thinking what will she say if she feels my hands, or seems how much of a mess I am. I wanted to make an excuse, but her personality seemed so sweet. I told her that day about hyperhidrosis, how it has tormented me, had people make fun of me for it, etc. She was so understanding. Said not to worry, and that she would love to hold my hand. It made me so happy knowing someone didn't care, was so willingly accepting.
Pretty much we talked for about 2 weeks, practically dating, but then I had the courage to ask her out. She said yes, and from then, we really took it off. She would want to video chat me 24/7, she said it would help her sleep, it would her help do her homework, everything. Her mom would get upset at that, saying she had no privacy as she would take me everywhere. Occasionally she would come visit, about every 2 weeks, the latest a month. This continued day, after day, until this August. Her mom was having some trouble financially, and opted to move in with her grandma, who is in my city. She was now 20 mins away, and we pretty much did the same. Would hang out whenever she was free, video chat when she had to study/homework, although she couldn't sleep on call with me as she slept with her mom.
Everything seemed so well, until around August 30th. She said I had been too controlling, hurtful, etc. We were going through a rough stretch, basically having arguments every couple days. They never seemed too big, as everything would seem okay after 30 mins. I would always ask her if she was okay, and she would say yes. But no, she told me when she broke up with me that the arguments were piling up, it was hurting her. I would just apologize after an argument, and apologize that night incase. She would always tell me don't bring it up, so I would just think she's fine, I shouldn't concern myself about it. I told her that day that I was sorry, I didn't know it was to this point in the relationship, she never seemed to be upset; always happy just talking to me, being with me. I had told her I can't do this again, it was so painful, even more painful this time than the past relationship because she was perfect. I had been able to spend time with her in person to know she actually loved me. Foolish of me, everything coming so soon, I had said I would die from this. Basically a few days later, she said that I was the best boyfriend she's ever had, and that excluding the past month of arguing, I was amazing to her. So she said she didn't want to be older, regretting not giving me another chance.
So being more cautious, I would carefully watch what I would say. Never trying to upset her; trying to change for her. Everything seemed great, basically like when just met, but then a few arguments came. Not from my end, but she seemed to get sassy lately. That Sunday, she witnessed her sister attempting suicide by hanging, so I knew what she was going through. I had stayed up all night with her for countless nights, not studying a bit for one of the most important dates in my semester at college. I had a lab practical, and lecture exam on the same day for a class; 15% of my total grade reliant on on day. We had gotten in a minor argument though that Tuesday, she had met some friends in school, and had been texting them all day while we were video chatting. I had not been used to that, so I did say like you could at least finish your sentence before texting... She seemed upset, and said well I'm sorry for finding good friends, and you not being happy about that. So I apologized saying I didn't mean it in any way, it just ticked me off, seemed rude to stop mid-sentence to text someone. She had said it was okay, that she was sorry for being a ****, that she would be upset if I had done the same. That Tuesday night she seemed so happy with me, she sent me wedding pictures, smiling every time she sent one, saying that would be us. So came along Wednesday, she told me earlier in the day that she was writing assignments she's missing. I told her send me a picture, so that I can remind you to do it (she likes to watch videos on YT/Fb for countless hours) so I figured to remind her then. I wanted her to catch up so that she wouldn't stress with school & her sister's situation. She said no, I'm doing my hw. You don't need the picture, I don't need you to remind me. So I kind of took that the wrong way, and became to be more pursuant in getting the pictures. I said look, your phone is there, you were literally just texting your friends, and I didn't say this, but I wanted to; "how can you sit there and complain about doing your hw & you're texting..." I kept my mouth shut, but later said look, it takes 5 seconds, I just want to help you. She seemed so mad. She angrily took the picture. Then she wouldn't look at me, nor say a word. I asked her if she was mad, and she said no. I knew she was, she had a low tone, and wouldn't look at me. I muted my mic to not tick her off even more, and I unmuted it after 30 mins, asking her if she's feeling any better and wanted to talk. She said yes, but she still seemed mad. I waited another 30 mins, then the same scenario. I told her, look how can you expect me to tell you how I honestly feel, if you can't do it. You're obviously upset, and I just want to make sure I don't make the same mistake as last time and throw it off like it's nothing. I told her I'm worried that you will break up with me if you don't tell me how you really feel every time, I just want honesty so that I can be supportive. She broke down, saying she felt bad and didn't want me to have the fear of her breaking up with me. She, again, said sorry for being a ****. She said she needed to go on a walk so that she could feel better. She said she would video chat me when she came back. I waited about an hour, then saw she went active on Fb, so I tried calling her. No answer. I got worried, and quickly drove to her house. Her grandma told me she just went on a walk, so I went and ran to find her. I had looked for an hour, but never saw her. I came back to her house & saw her near the car. She saw me soaking in sweat, I had ran for an hour to find her. She immediately asked if I was okay, and I said yes, I just wanted to make sure you were. You logged on Fb and didn't answer my call, I was worried. She said she thought she messaged me back, but I never got anything. I was like look, I love you, I'm willing to do anything, whether that means come incase something was wrong, or give a kidney to you. So everything seemed okay, she told me she loved me, and willingly gave me kisses. I asked her if I should worry about her breaking up with me after that, and she said no. I kept asking to make sure, but she kept saying no. She did however said to give her a day, she needed some alone time. I waited until Thursday afternoon. She had said I could call her around 6pm, so I did. She had that low tone again when she picked up, she had told me she's been on a 2 hour walk, thinking about things. I just sat there and asked her the general, how did she sleep, how was her day, did she have any plans, etc. She answered, but still had that tone. She then insisted we video chat, that she had something to tell me. I became worried. My heart froze. So I video chatted her, then she just said, I don't think it's working out. That she's going through a lot, etc. I told her wait a minute, don't do this, let me come over and talk it through. So she agreed. I came and we walked, and she basically told me it in my face now. I broke down. I couldn't handle it. Just that Tuesday, she had sent wedding pictures, she seemed so happy. I said what is it then? I know you're going through a lot with your sister, and I have been supportive, if you need time until that resolves itself, then let's take a break and come back later. She said no, we're done, forever. It hit me so much harder. Foolish of me, again, I told her I couldn't live without her. That I would die. She said sorry, have a wonderful life, and goodbye. She walked away from me kneeling on the ground. I got so mad, and said, "I hope you visit me on my funeral." She deleted me practically from every social media. I messaged her later that night, about how sorry I was about saying that death thing, and that I didn't mean it - it just came so unexpectedly and hit me so hard. I thanked her for everything, everything she opened my eyes to. She replied saying "Thank you, Jonathan, I'm glad I opened you up to many experiences." I noticed she never deleted my mom, and sister on Fb. She doesn't have many friends, about 30 on Fb, so I was like why does she still have them added... It gave me hope, so I went through Friday like a mess in school. I cried during my entire lecture, and couldn't go to tutoring. I messaged her Saturday morning, asking her the real reason she left me. She never answered. So I called her, and I asked the usually things. How she was, how her sister was, etc. Then I said could you meet me at the park? I want to talk things out. She agreed, so I went there immediately. We talked, she said I relied too much on her to be happy. She said I wasn't happy with her. To look at me, crying on the floor, begging her to come back. I told her I can't just let go of the past 6 months, that it was the best in my life, and because I love you so much. I never really had friends due to hyperhidrosis, so that's what she meant by I relied on her for happiness. That my negativity was rubbing off on her. I always would tell her I'm not perfect; told her my sad stories of people in a church, in school, etc making fun of me for my hyperhidrosis. It scarred me.
(I didn't say this, but we were both in the darkness when we met. We relied on each other to be happy. She had a miserable childhood, her dad who was in the marines killed himself when she was 7, she was raped a few times, and blackmailed. She told me she felt so safe with me, and in return, I felt so happy with her - being able to help her.)
I had messaged some friends that Friday night, and told my parents I need to get therapy to help me with this. So I told her that there, that I can change; I am willing to change. That I am going to start hanging out with friends, go to therapy to make me feel happy about myself. She just said no, that I'm the best boyfriend she's had, but that she has to let me go. So I begged her, holding on to her, telling her I would do anything for another chance. To show her I love her; to spoil her with love. She became angry, saying move on, let it go, and that if I kept holding onto her that she would tell her mom to call the police. I stopped then. Fortunately - I didn't mention anything about suicide this time.
And now we're here, on Sunday. I haven't slept but 10 hours since Thursday. Have only ate 3 times. Have cried my soul out. She still has my mom, sister added, so a part of me feels like she'll come back, but then I feel like I messed up too big. I feel horrible, scared I will never find anyone as great as her. I keep thinking, remembering that scene, thinking what if I had stayed silent. Would she still be with me?
Is there any advice you would give me? Do you think I am to blame for everything?