shmiddy
New member
Hey everyone!
I have been reading the forums for the past week or so and decided to register so I could make a post about my experiences with SA.
Okay, first of all I have a terrific family and I am very close with my parents and my sister. I have four best friends that I grew up with and did everything together with for pretty much all of my 21 years on this earth. My dad and sister are probably the most outgoing people I have ever met -- they have a million friends and can talk so easily with random strangers. They are just so good at socializing. On the other hand, my mother is extremely anxious and quiet in social situations when there are new people there. However, she is extremely outgoing and funny and smart when she is with her friends or obviously my family. It's so funny that my parents married each other - polar opposites - and had polar opposite kids too. Haha.
Anyway. I am SO loud, outgoing, talkative, and funny when I am with my friends. They all know I am the loudest and most talkative too - it's great when I am with my friends. And it all comes so easily and without thinking at ALL. In these situations I am 100% self-UNconscious. Haha. Like I don't analyze myself or be critical and never have awkward silences or whatever. I just feel like the greatest socializer in the world. And these times, when I am with my friends, I realize how freaking enjoyable it is to be social and converse with other people. But as soon as a person I am not familiar with is present, my body suddenly shuts down. I get extremely nervous, my brain puts so much pressure on me to continue being social and funny and everything, and meanwhile I can't think of A DAMN THING TO SAY! So the longer I go without saying anything, the more nervous I get and the less likely it is that I will say ANYTHING for the duration that this unfamiliar person is present. The second this person leaves though, I go back to being MY REAL SELF!
I hate that I am NOT MYSELF when I meet new people. I am incapable of acting like myself (which I KNOW is being talkative and outgoing). No matter what I do, I CANNOT act like myself and it pisses me off. I want to be myself - I want to be me when I meet new people or see strangers. I have a really tough time becoming comfortable enough with people to be myself around - but once I am comfortable with you, I am absolutely 100% comfortable to be loud and social - which is who I know I am. I am also incapable of smiling or expressing any sort of facial expressions around new people. Sometimes I will make an effort to smile at them but I can feel the muscles twitching in my face and I think they can probably see that which is why I rarely attempt to smile at new people. I just wish I could be my normal, social, funny, smart self around anyone and everyone, not just my friends and family.
Now I am going to tell you a little bit about my life growing up and how I know that I am not being myself when I am with strangers. This is probably going to sound stuck-up, but I am going to say it anyway because I am trying to figure out what my damn problem is. I know that I am really good-looking (I am a guy by the way). I have been told by so many girls that I'm hot, gorgeous, etc. (and I know I am by looking in the mirror) and I have been with more girls than I can count. Growing up I was really cute too and I was sooooo popular and outgoing in elementary school and middle school. I had all the prettiest girlfriends, I was the best at sports, I was the smartest, the funniest, and everyone loved me. I was exactly like my sister and father are - for what it's worth, my sister was the most popular in elementary school and middle school as well, only she didn't develop anxiety so she is still one of those girls that is so happy and everyone loves. I was always able to be funny and outgoing around EVERYONE until I hit high school.
I don't know what happened -- one minute I was in middle school being king of the school and the next minute I entered high school and suddenly became the most nervous kid around new people. I stopped being my true personality, which I know is like my father and sister. But this fucking retarded anxiety is preventing me from being myself. I used to not think twice about any social awkwardness and didn't give a shit what people thought about me because I was so confident and happy. But suddenly I started giving a shit what people thought and this made me crawl into my shell whenever I was around new people. I was still able to be my real self around my friends, but I really couldn't function socially with new people.
So basically, for the last 7 years (junior in college) I have been trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME! I lost myself 7 years ago and have not been able to recover. I am angry and also extremely frustrated that I am not able to be myself. I can't enjoy the social events and just socializing in general at parties and sports games and stuff because I just can't function socially around anyone but my family and friends.
The thing I want most in this world is to get my old self back. I was so happy when I was able to be myself around anyone. I enjoyed every single second of life, and now I probably spend some of my time feeling that great, when I'm with my friends, and then the other half, when I am around new people, I just sit there, with no expression on my face, looking like an idiot, not saying a damn thing, basically just being a "creeper" if you're familiar with that slang.
So as I wrote earlier in the post, my mother seems to be just like me - she loves to talk (and I must admit, I LOVE to talk - when I'm with friends and family) and be social and goofy and stuff when she's with the people she's comfortable with. But she just acts like me when she's around new people/strangers.
This is weird that I turned out exactly like my mom. I love my mom to death and she's the best person in the world but I really wish I didn't happen to be affected by the same issues that affect her. It seems like she passed SA on to me, but it didn't develop in me until high school.
Oh and one last note. Every single day I ask myself "Why can't I just be myself?" and it just makes my whole body ache with pain. In addition, a lot of people, especially girls (I do get with a lot of girls though, I am pretty good at talking with them if there aren't too many unfamiliar people around), tell their friends or my friends that they think I'm an asshole for being so cocky. I'm very intelligent and attractive and if I am at a party and don't have many friends there, I will go into my shell and have the expressionless face that looks like I hate the world and won't say a damn thing even if I am introduced to a bunch of new people. Naturally, you're going to think that a smart, attractive guy is a cocky asshole if he doesn't say anything to you and doesn't smile at you.
Not sure if a single one of you will read this whole message, and if none of you do, it doesn't matter because I feel pretty damn good that I just wrote down every single thing I could possibly think of about my current state. Hopefully it will help me figure shit out. Post whatever the hell you want on this thread, if you read this or not, don't care.
I have been reading the forums for the past week or so and decided to register so I could make a post about my experiences with SA.
Okay, first of all I have a terrific family and I am very close with my parents and my sister. I have four best friends that I grew up with and did everything together with for pretty much all of my 21 years on this earth. My dad and sister are probably the most outgoing people I have ever met -- they have a million friends and can talk so easily with random strangers. They are just so good at socializing. On the other hand, my mother is extremely anxious and quiet in social situations when there are new people there. However, she is extremely outgoing and funny and smart when she is with her friends or obviously my family. It's so funny that my parents married each other - polar opposites - and had polar opposite kids too. Haha.
Anyway. I am SO loud, outgoing, talkative, and funny when I am with my friends. They all know I am the loudest and most talkative too - it's great when I am with my friends. And it all comes so easily and without thinking at ALL. In these situations I am 100% self-UNconscious. Haha. Like I don't analyze myself or be critical and never have awkward silences or whatever. I just feel like the greatest socializer in the world. And these times, when I am with my friends, I realize how freaking enjoyable it is to be social and converse with other people. But as soon as a person I am not familiar with is present, my body suddenly shuts down. I get extremely nervous, my brain puts so much pressure on me to continue being social and funny and everything, and meanwhile I can't think of A DAMN THING TO SAY! So the longer I go without saying anything, the more nervous I get and the less likely it is that I will say ANYTHING for the duration that this unfamiliar person is present. The second this person leaves though, I go back to being MY REAL SELF!
I hate that I am NOT MYSELF when I meet new people. I am incapable of acting like myself (which I KNOW is being talkative and outgoing). No matter what I do, I CANNOT act like myself and it pisses me off. I want to be myself - I want to be me when I meet new people or see strangers. I have a really tough time becoming comfortable enough with people to be myself around - but once I am comfortable with you, I am absolutely 100% comfortable to be loud and social - which is who I know I am. I am also incapable of smiling or expressing any sort of facial expressions around new people. Sometimes I will make an effort to smile at them but I can feel the muscles twitching in my face and I think they can probably see that which is why I rarely attempt to smile at new people. I just wish I could be my normal, social, funny, smart self around anyone and everyone, not just my friends and family.
Now I am going to tell you a little bit about my life growing up and how I know that I am not being myself when I am with strangers. This is probably going to sound stuck-up, but I am going to say it anyway because I am trying to figure out what my damn problem is. I know that I am really good-looking (I am a guy by the way). I have been told by so many girls that I'm hot, gorgeous, etc. (and I know I am by looking in the mirror) and I have been with more girls than I can count. Growing up I was really cute too and I was sooooo popular and outgoing in elementary school and middle school. I had all the prettiest girlfriends, I was the best at sports, I was the smartest, the funniest, and everyone loved me. I was exactly like my sister and father are - for what it's worth, my sister was the most popular in elementary school and middle school as well, only she didn't develop anxiety so she is still one of those girls that is so happy and everyone loves. I was always able to be funny and outgoing around EVERYONE until I hit high school.
I don't know what happened -- one minute I was in middle school being king of the school and the next minute I entered high school and suddenly became the most nervous kid around new people. I stopped being my true personality, which I know is like my father and sister. But this fucking retarded anxiety is preventing me from being myself. I used to not think twice about any social awkwardness and didn't give a shit what people thought about me because I was so confident and happy. But suddenly I started giving a shit what people thought and this made me crawl into my shell whenever I was around new people. I was still able to be my real self around my friends, but I really couldn't function socially with new people.
So basically, for the last 7 years (junior in college) I have been trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME! I lost myself 7 years ago and have not been able to recover. I am angry and also extremely frustrated that I am not able to be myself. I can't enjoy the social events and just socializing in general at parties and sports games and stuff because I just can't function socially around anyone but my family and friends.
The thing I want most in this world is to get my old self back. I was so happy when I was able to be myself around anyone. I enjoyed every single second of life, and now I probably spend some of my time feeling that great, when I'm with my friends, and then the other half, when I am around new people, I just sit there, with no expression on my face, looking like an idiot, not saying a damn thing, basically just being a "creeper" if you're familiar with that slang.
So as I wrote earlier in the post, my mother seems to be just like me - she loves to talk (and I must admit, I LOVE to talk - when I'm with friends and family) and be social and goofy and stuff when she's with the people she's comfortable with. But she just acts like me when she's around new people/strangers.
This is weird that I turned out exactly like my mom. I love my mom to death and she's the best person in the world but I really wish I didn't happen to be affected by the same issues that affect her. It seems like she passed SA on to me, but it didn't develop in me until high school.
Oh and one last note. Every single day I ask myself "Why can't I just be myself?" and it just makes my whole body ache with pain. In addition, a lot of people, especially girls (I do get with a lot of girls though, I am pretty good at talking with them if there aren't too many unfamiliar people around), tell their friends or my friends that they think I'm an asshole for being so cocky. I'm very intelligent and attractive and if I am at a party and don't have many friends there, I will go into my shell and have the expressionless face that looks like I hate the world and won't say a damn thing even if I am introduced to a bunch of new people. Naturally, you're going to think that a smart, attractive guy is a cocky asshole if he doesn't say anything to you and doesn't smile at you.
Not sure if a single one of you will read this whole message, and if none of you do, it doesn't matter because I feel pretty damn good that I just wrote down every single thing I could possibly think of about my current state. Hopefully it will help me figure shit out. Post whatever the hell you want on this thread, if you read this or not, don't care.